Purging

I replied to my mother:

to tell a fat person

that she is fat 

is to tell her

I think you are too

stupid to realize

what you look like

so I should tell you

she said nothing 

had changed year

after year and

she is just so

worried about me.

What she doesn’t know

is that year after year

her disgust with me

became my own

it ate way at me

it started a small act

of rebellion she would

never know about 

because it would hurt her

and I don’t want to -

I love her.

I got good 

at making myself sick

the trick is to be 

already sick with yourself

drink some water

before you start 

tap is best, if you hate it

lift up the toilet seat

hold your hair back 

think about what you ate

think about you that you hate

somewhere between a 

habit and an illness

you can no longer tell

if it’s body or mind.

After she came back 

for her bag and said

I don’t say these things

to upset you 

I said I know but 

we have talked about this

over and over again

let me deal with it myself

I locked the door behind her

and reached, like a habit

for her half-empty mug

took the decisive sip of

room-temperature water 

walked over to my bathroom

and threw up her disgust.